Monday, 4 August 2014

His Brains, My Biceps

The following is the start of a blog post I never finished from a few months ago…it’s a little dark. I’m okay now…things have a way of turning around:

I’ve been procrastinating for a while. I don’t want to write this blog post because everyone will know that I’m not as strong as I look; I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I’m weak and thankfully God is strong and that’s the only reason I am where I am. I have definitely imagined myself in other places, but by God’s grace, I’m in this place…I’m in the palm of His hand.

I just thought I was dealing with a little bit of mental fatigue but it’s more than that. I call myself crazy sometimes, but my mind is just a little mixed up. I stare at the three toothbrushes and can’t decide which one is mine. I know its purple but sometimes it takes me a while to determine which one is purple…I think I’m losing it. It’s a bunch of stuff: fatigue, burn out, maybe depression. It’s the first time in my life I have ever thought, “What’s the point?”

There was more, but you get the drift. Those feelings didn’t last that long - about two months. But on a regular basis, I am mentally drained…I forget stuff all the time and I get a little mixed up. I often tell Mike that between the two of us, we make one great person…with his brains and my biceps (and the rest of my body) we really function well. Anyway, I didn’t tell anyone I definitely wasn’t functioning well during those couple of months, but my sister kept asking if I was okay and Erin was encouraging me to get away. 

I kept saying I was fine and I told Erin I’d go away for a day or two when Aunt Pat came…that was around April or the beginning of May. Pat was coming sometime in June. When she confirmed she was coming the last weekend in June, I asked Nathan to stay over night on the Saturday of that weekend. I knew between our two sisters and the kids and Mike’s regular home care support people, he would be well taken care of…even still, it’s really hard to leave him.

When I heard the workshop I was interested in attending was happening that weekend, I signed up. It was called “Inspire A Book” - a two day intensive for potential authors wanting to gain knowledge about writing and publishing a book. I was really excited about the workshop, but not about leaving Mike.

Leaving Mike for a whole day or more is agony, but not having a day away every once in a while is painful too. It’s the greatest internal tug of war I’m sure I’ll ever know. 

I’m going away again tomorrow for a couple of days. Erin is having hip replacement surgery tomorrow, so of course I will be with her for the day and I will spend the night with her at the UBC Hospital. Pat, Aileen and Sheila (Mike’s sisters and mum) are coming to help and with the help of my family as well, Mike and Erin will both be well cared for!

The Inspire A Book workshop was great…and exhausting. At the end of the first day, Julie, author and publisher of Influence Publishing (CEO), who led the workshop took me aside and told me she wanted to publish my book and handed me some paper work - a contract. She told me to read it over with Mike and she said she was really excited about my book.

After deciding to write a book and after researching everything I could about publishing, I was a little overwhelmed and then a friend told me about ‘Influence’, a company based here in Vancouver. I looked into it and thought it was perfect for me. I sent Julie a book proposal about a month before the workshop. I kept thinking, “This is really dumb…or maybe its pretty good”…I had no idea. Anyway, she liked it and I have embarked on something really exciting…telling Mike’s story in a book…our story.

What else is exciting is Erin’s new hip. The end of a long journey and the beginning of something great. And that’s a whole other story…

“The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and “walked on the water.” Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went…If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, “. . . why did you doubt?” (Matt 14:31). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him…You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him.” Oswald Chambers


Me and Mike and Erin and my mom at an ultimate frisbee game last weekend cheering for Nathan and Madison and all the players

We are all hoping and praying for the best possible out-come for Erin's surgery tomorrow and a for quick and complete recovery! Amen!



1 comment:

  1. I needed to see this today. Our situations are completely different and I would never want to be in yours. I think it's important to share with others that "yeah, I'm struggling" "yeah I'm barely functioning" or any of the other things you mentioned. It helps to know that whatever we are dealing with that completely overwhelms us and eats our brain (ie your story about the toothbrush) that we are not going crazy but are just, as one friend of mine says, "done." I'm sorry you have so much to deal with, but am selfishly helped by the fact that I'm not the only one "done."

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